For those of you who were lucky enough to experience Styhead, I encourage you to do a Google Image search (or some other search engine I guess works too). Go on, search Google Images for "Styhead Pass." See what you come up with. I came up with a bunch of images that (if I strained my brain really hard to imagine mist surrounding everything and focus on the scenery in my memory) looked VAGUELY familiar. But really, the only one that I recognized definitely was this one...
http://scottishwintermountaineering.co.uk/photos2006/styhead.jpg
Okay, so that's not us, and I'm pretty sure our day was foggier and wetter and more King Lear-ish, but since when is the Lake District sunny like all those other pictures? But besides the weather, the one thing in that picture that rang out the familiar chords of Styhead Pass for me?
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3174/2698647659_4c2741bb68.jpg?v=0
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Disillusioned
One night, in London (it all seems like a dream now), I stood in the National Theater, having just finished watching a performance of Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well. Now, if you know All's Well, you'll know that it's a problem play, and it leaves you feeling and thinking, "What the heck just happened?" And that is how this performance was. The supposedly-happy couple at the end--that you are really thinking, "Why does she even want him anymore?!"--is taking their wedding pictures. And in the last freeze-frame of the play, no one is really smiling. I smirked and matter-of-fact-ly stated, "Because there are no happy endings in real life." Katy and Bentley laughed at me, responding, "We didn't realize you were so disillusioned Rachel, but maybe there's something in your past we don't know about." I was quite serious. I do believe in happy endings, I really do, and I'm not sure how to explain the fact that I was serious about there being no happy endings when I really do believe in them, but I promise that it works out. I was serious more about the concept rather than reality. Anyway, I'm only confusing myself now.
But Katy and Bentley were right. They don't know part of my past that counts as a disillusionment period. In fact, for two people who spent every hour of 2 months with me and who had lots of talks with me, they hardly know anything about me and events in my life. Because I don't talk about them a lot. Maybe the only people (from the trip) who know about the two major events I'm thinking about are Christine, John Bennion, Anneliese...And then I think that I hardly know anything about lots of the people I was with too. And that scares me. Stupid fear of personal disclosure. Stupid wanting to know people and thinking you do until you realize that you don't. And then you realize that it really doesn't matter and you love them anyway and you do know them, even if you don't necessarily know the events that made them who they are.
Anyway. My past. Being disillusioned. There have definitely been times where I've felt disillusioned, like there are no happy endings. And yet, I'm happy, for the most part, now. Life goes on. Yet, looking forward to the future, the times where I will be completely happy in the places I have perhaps been disillusioned in seem so far away and almost impossible to reach. Although I'm happy now, it sometimes seems as if my time for a happy ending will never come. I believe once, in a journal-ish type writing thing I worded it like, I believe in happy endings, just not for me. Ugh. How gross is that? I'm lame.
Just so none of you worry, I am not currently feeling that way. It's only been a train of thought I've had tonight. The only disillusionment I'm feeling right now is the sad fact that my time in England had to end, that I couldn't stay there forever and that I'm now back to being stuck in Twin, working a job that I know I can do better than (but am afraid I'll be stuck in for the rest of my working life), and that the progression is stopped. I feel like I'm writing the personal essay of my life and now I have writer's block.
So, although I'm disillusioned by accepting the fact that I live on a blighted star rather than in a Utopia, I guess I'm not quite to Dystopia and ultra-Tess-blighted star yet. :)
But Katy and Bentley were right. They don't know part of my past that counts as a disillusionment period. In fact, for two people who spent every hour of 2 months with me and who had lots of talks with me, they hardly know anything about me and events in my life. Because I don't talk about them a lot. Maybe the only people (from the trip) who know about the two major events I'm thinking about are Christine, John Bennion, Anneliese...And then I think that I hardly know anything about lots of the people I was with too. And that scares me. Stupid fear of personal disclosure. Stupid wanting to know people and thinking you do until you realize that you don't. And then you realize that it really doesn't matter and you love them anyway and you do know them, even if you don't necessarily know the events that made them who they are.
Anyway. My past. Being disillusioned. There have definitely been times where I've felt disillusioned, like there are no happy endings. And yet, I'm happy, for the most part, now. Life goes on. Yet, looking forward to the future, the times where I will be completely happy in the places I have perhaps been disillusioned in seem so far away and almost impossible to reach. Although I'm happy now, it sometimes seems as if my time for a happy ending will never come. I believe once, in a journal-ish type writing thing I worded it like, I believe in happy endings, just not for me. Ugh. How gross is that? I'm lame.
Just so none of you worry, I am not currently feeling that way. It's only been a train of thought I've had tonight. The only disillusionment I'm feeling right now is the sad fact that my time in England had to end, that I couldn't stay there forever and that I'm now back to being stuck in Twin, working a job that I know I can do better than (but am afraid I'll be stuck in for the rest of my working life), and that the progression is stopped. I feel like I'm writing the personal essay of my life and now I have writer's block.
So, although I'm disillusioned by accepting the fact that I live on a blighted star rather than in a Utopia, I guess I'm not quite to Dystopia and ultra-Tess-blighted star yet. :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sitting Pretty
You know you've worked at DownEast Basics too long when...
You know that the shirt you're wearing is called "The Sitting Pretty Top" in Fig and it also comes in Turtle Green.
You've started almost answering your cell and home phone "DownEast Basics; this is Rachel."
It bugs you when your shirts at home aren't folded the "right" way and when the tags on shirts in other stores stick out it drives you insane.
At last count, over 60 DownEast shirts filled your closet. And that was a couple months ago.
Your manager starts dating someone in the summer. You leave town to go back to school and when you come back to work again the next summer, they're married.
All you ever seem to say is "Hi! What can I help you find today?" and then go on to explain the current promotion.
You hate much of what the company does and wish you made more and wish your discount was higher, and yet you can't bring yourself to quit (although this might just be because I need the money...)
All this after 4 months there last summer and 3 weeks so far this one. Oh wow. :) I'll probably transfer down to Provo this year. Oh, DownEast Basics...why is our relationship so full of love, so full of hate?
You know that the shirt you're wearing is called "The Sitting Pretty Top" in Fig and it also comes in Turtle Green.
You've started almost answering your cell and home phone "DownEast Basics; this is Rachel."
It bugs you when your shirts at home aren't folded the "right" way and when the tags on shirts in other stores stick out it drives you insane.
At last count, over 60 DownEast shirts filled your closet. And that was a couple months ago.
Your manager starts dating someone in the summer. You leave town to go back to school and when you come back to work again the next summer, they're married.
All you ever seem to say is "Hi! What can I help you find today?" and then go on to explain the current promotion.
You hate much of what the company does and wish you made more and wish your discount was higher, and yet you can't bring yourself to quit (although this might just be because I need the money...)
All this after 4 months there last summer and 3 weeks so far this one. Oh wow. :) I'll probably transfer down to Provo this year. Oh, DownEast Basics...why is our relationship so full of love, so full of hate?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
WTMF
What the Monkey Feathers.
I have no direction in my life and have no idea what I'm doing at all with anything anymore or even what I feel and what I want and what is best for me.
I have no direction in my life and have no idea what I'm doing at all with anything anymore or even what I feel and what I want and what is best for me.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Things I'm Thinking Right Now
My lower extremities hurt. I feel worse than I did after I had spent the day hiking 17 miles and then standing at the Bronte museum. AKA I think I'll wear my hiking boots to work tomorrow for another 7 hour shift of standing and running around the store.
I never want to work directly with my manager again.
Heehee. Giggle.
I want to see my best mate. And Lisa. And Amandas. And Camille. And Christine. And I want to work with Julie.
I'm Harry, Harry Potter.
I want ice cream. And dark chocolate digestives.
I miss talking like Chris Bennion.
When I'm this tired, I can sleep anywhere.
I want letters. I also need to write letters.
I want to go stargazing.
The end.
I never want to work directly with my manager again.
Heehee. Giggle.
I want to see my best mate. And Lisa. And Amandas. And Camille. And Christine. And I want to work with Julie.
I'm Harry, Harry Potter.
I want ice cream. And dark chocolate digestives.
I miss talking like Chris Bennion.
When I'm this tired, I can sleep anywhere.
I want letters. I also need to write letters.
I want to go stargazing.
The end.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Rollercoasters
My best friend turned 20 today. Makes me feel old. And yet I'm excited to turn 20 in a couple weeks. Ups and downs.
Opening the store at work means over 50 hours of work this week. Yay money, but boo being tired. And it makes me want to spend my money on cute clothes. Ups and downs.
Being at home is...I can't say nice. Not after some of the things that have happened while being here. And yet it is. But I miss Matt. My mom and I are getting along better these past couple weeks. But my dad and I have been a lot worse than usual. Ups and downs.
I enjoy seeing the friends that I do here in Twin--Chip and Kristine, and hopefully soon Lisa and Lindsey comes home soon. But I miss those who aren't here. My England family, Sarahs, Amanda, Lila, Tracy, temporarily Lindsey. And I wish I were with them. Ups and downs.
I loved getting a random email from John Bennion today and reading it and laughing and then starting to cry because it made me miss him and everyone else so much. Ups and downs.
I love helping people and giving them advice and being happy with them, or even being sad with them and listening to them and whatever, if that's what they need. I love giving an old roommate advice through her struggles that are so similar to mine and what I've recently gone through (or am still going through). I love talking to an old friend and just listening to the wonderful but confusing things going on in her life and cheering for her. But I hate it when I just want to cry, and need someone there, and no one is--not because they don't want to be, because I know that if they knew and had any possible way to, they'd be there in a second. But because they don't know that I'm silently crying myself to sleep, missing hugs and friends and needing more than just someone to talk to. And even if they did, they are halfway across the world or country or state or city, hours away or even just unreasonable minutes. It's not that they wouldn't be more than happy to. It's just that it's physically impossible or too unreasonable for me even to suggest anything but wishing. Ups and downs.
Opening the store at work means over 50 hours of work this week. Yay money, but boo being tired. And it makes me want to spend my money on cute clothes. Ups and downs.
Being at home is...I can't say nice. Not after some of the things that have happened while being here. And yet it is. But I miss Matt. My mom and I are getting along better these past couple weeks. But my dad and I have been a lot worse than usual. Ups and downs.
I enjoy seeing the friends that I do here in Twin--Chip and Kristine, and hopefully soon Lisa and Lindsey comes home soon. But I miss those who aren't here. My England family, Sarahs, Amanda, Lila, Tracy, temporarily Lindsey. And I wish I were with them. Ups and downs.
I loved getting a random email from John Bennion today and reading it and laughing and then starting to cry because it made me miss him and everyone else so much. Ups and downs.
I love helping people and giving them advice and being happy with them, or even being sad with them and listening to them and whatever, if that's what they need. I love giving an old roommate advice through her struggles that are so similar to mine and what I've recently gone through (or am still going through). I love talking to an old friend and just listening to the wonderful but confusing things going on in her life and cheering for her. But I hate it when I just want to cry, and need someone there, and no one is--not because they don't want to be, because I know that if they knew and had any possible way to, they'd be there in a second. But because they don't know that I'm silently crying myself to sleep, missing hugs and friends and needing more than just someone to talk to. And even if they did, they are halfway across the world or country or state or city, hours away or even just unreasonable minutes. It's not that they wouldn't be more than happy to. It's just that it's physically impossible or too unreasonable for me even to suggest anything but wishing. Ups and downs.
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