Farewell to Provo

Once upon a time, I was a wee lass. Of course, I didn't think so at the time. I was (barely) 18 and thought I was an adult, ready to face the world. And in many ways I was. I came to Provo thinking I knew everything, but really knowing nothing, and this beautiful place has taught me so much.

It was here I had many firsts, met most of my best friends, went on adventures, received a mission call, and came home to after my mission. Provo taught me how to think, how to laugh, how to live. Provo taught me how to push through the hard times. Provo taught me so much about myself, more than I could ever imagine. Even when it's quirks and oddities drove me crazy, it was still home. It's more home than Idaho now, and I love my favorite places here and the mountains and most of all the people.

But I've known for a while that this would be the time for me to leave. It actually came later than I originally thought--God's funny like that. And, as I get ready to leave, I'm not really sad. I'm excited. Provo has been great, and it will always be a part of me, for better or for worse. But new adventures are calling: Salt Lake, both old and new friends, and many new and exciting things.

So . . . farewell, Provo. Don't worry. I'll back back to visit, and often. I won't be far. I'm just moving on.

I Can Do Hard Things

I have always wanted to be courageous and daring, ever since I was a little girl.

I wanted to climb up trees and jump off swings--but usually ended up getting up only a few branches. I wrote essays about it in England--about wanting to be free from paralyzing fear and just run up mountains in my bare feet. I struggled with it on my mission and had a hard time finding the courage to talk to people on the street or run on icy roads--even though chances were they would reject me or I would fall flat on my face. And things haven't changed since I've been home. Fear of failure and heartbreak and rejection have been much of my song in dating, school, and applying to jobs.

In many ironic ways, fear is a safety blanket. You can hide behind it as an excuse to not put your heart or pride on the line. And I'm ashamed to admit that I do that with so much of my life. I go through phases where I make bold and frenzied attempts to prove myself: not only my academic/romantic worth, but my bravery and courage. But more often than not these end poorly, with me soon retreating back to my cowardly ways, vowing that it will be at least a few more months before I apply to jobs, open my heart, or submit another essay for publication. It doesn't matter that I know I'm qualified and worthy and rocking in every possible way. I'm almost positively going to be rejected, because that's just how my life often works, and so I pull back because I can't be rejected if I don't try.

In short, so often in life I am a coward.

But that is not always the case. In fact, some friends (who know me better than I know myself) often tell me of my courage and faith. I will admit that it is hard to believe them. But at the same time--I eventually always do keep pushing on, like a masochist who feeds of emotional pain, because I know that I won't be able to live with myself if I sit idly by, fearful, faithless, and unresponsive.

As I have gotten older, especially on and after my mission, I have learned that true courage comes from faith and hope. And if that, learning to rely on the Savior, is what courage is, perhaps I really am more courageous than I though. I don't have to be daring, or unafraid of hurt. But I can be vulnerable and open and faithful, because even when the hard things end badly (as, at least in my case, they do 98% of the time), there is hope for the future, for that 2%.  One of my favorite quotes is from Eliza R. Snow. I had it on the back of one of my planners on my mission. She said: “I will go forward. I will smile at the rage of the tempest, and ride fearlessly and triumphantly across the boisterous ocean of circumstance . . . and the ‘testimony of Jesus’ will light up a lamp that will guide my vision through the portals of immortality.” That is true courage. I may not always be smiling, but I will triumph over circumstance and somehow make my way across the dark void by the light of my Savior's love.

So although I still feel fear and I still have those moments where I want to hole up, perhaps Jessie and Christine and my other friends are right. Perhaps I am more courageous than I thought. And that courage pushes me to do hard things through the enabling power of the Atonement. It doesn't make it any easier, but it makes me stronger, more patient, and hopefully more like him. Because the Savior feels our pain, honors our sacrifice, and opens a new door for us--even if that door is so far in the future that we can't see it yet. He knows it's hard because He has been there. He is right there, getting the door slammed in the face with us, tears streaming down His face at our pain. And He will plead our case with the Father until the hopeful victory is reality. He will make sure that we succeed when the time is right.

All we have to do is have courage.

The End of the Adventure

Well, the time has come. The time being the 6 HOURS I am spending chilling out. All alone. In the Phoenix airport. Waiting for my flight to SLC after my wonderful adventure to Hawaii. I figured I'd use the time to give you the rundown of the rest of my trip.

Tuesday: Now, having had our numbers cut down to 3 and being on the dry side of the island, it was our first real beach day. The sun was shining, the tank was clean . . . and the sunscreen wasn't waterproof. The story is this: Michele had sunscreen, SPF 50, that I used. Put it on, waited about 15 minutes to go hop in the water, but then I immediately spent much time out in the waves with Kate. It was lovely. And then I went to relieve Michele of her stuff-watching duties and laid out in the sun and read. That was also lovely. We then went to get lunch, where I had the BIGGEST PANCAKES I HAVE EVER SEEN, and they had fresh blueberries baked into them and on top and were delightful. Kate noticed that I was a little sunburnished, but it was just my face and arms and so I was like "No big." Then we went back to the beach and repeated the morning routine: put on sunscreen, wait, and I go get in the ocean, and then go lay in the sun. At the end of the day, Kate and Michele come back and say "We have good news and we have bad news. The bad news is the sunscreen wasn't waterproof so even though you waited and reapplied, you essentially haven't been wearing sunscreen the entire day." So much for trying to prevent skin cancer. By the end of the day, I was a walking advertisement for it. haha. That night, Michele and I nursed my hot pink body while Kate swam with Manta Rays. I was going to go with her, but, you know, serious sunburn. Pain. All that.

Wednesday: Although I wasn't going to let a sunburn ruin my trip, I did need to take care of my body. I decided to opt out of the morning activities, and let Michele and Kate go off and do their beach thing. Honestly, I love the beach, but I get beached out very easily and my body REALLY needed a break. But the best thing is that night. That evening we drove up to Mauna Kea and went to the observatory. Basically, we hiked up the top of a cinder cone (Intensity level: HARD due to being out of shape, high elevation, and mostly having a hard time walking due to sunburn on the backs of my thighs. Oops) and watched the sun set and then star gazed. The most stars I've ever seen and the most beautiful night sky, which is saying a lot because I've been in the middle of nowhere before, but this was magical. And cold. But mostly magical. Stars and a volcano. Two of my favorite things.

Thursday: Our last day in Hawaii. We headed out early so that we could try to make parking for this limited-access beach that Michele really wanted to get to. We didn't make it, but instead we found a small cove that was perfect! It had lots of great snorkeling for Michele and Kate and a lot of shade for my (still) burned-out body. Ha. Burned. We ate some great food--Hawaii has fantastic goat cheese--and ice cream, where a new local who just moved from Portland and who is probably the only person on Earth (not including celebrities) that all 3 of us could agree was cute. Then we tried the limited-access beach again and got an open parking spot. It really was beautiful. It was a fantastic way to end the trip: a chill day, mostly just spending chill time with each other on the beach. At the end of the day we headed out to the airport. The rental car had to be back by 7, but our flights weren't until 9 (or in my case, 10:45) so there was a lot of waiting. And lots of the cutest little kids all day erry day on vacation with their parents in Hawaii.

And that brings you up to date! My sunburn is well on its way to getting better. But I miss my girls. I mean, Hawaii was wonderful, but honestly, it was just the place that we happened to gather for this wedding. They were the real reason for the trip. And they were the best part.

So if you want a sum-up of the trip, here it is:

• Great conversation
• Good food and scenery
• Horrible/Wonderful singing at the top of our lungs in the car
• Lots of really bad jokes
• The best company

Mahanaloha!

Mahanaloha--a mix of the big 3 Hawaiian words: mahalo, ohana, and aloha. This is one of the bad puns/jokes I have been making that Kate rolls her eyes and yells at.

So, although the long silence on my blog might suggest otherwise, life has been pretty happenin' lately. In fact, I am currently enjoying my very first trip to Hawaii. I might do a quick month-by-month catch-up for everything that has happened in the past few months later, but for now, I wanted to share the magic of the Big Island and my wonderful roommates. Here is my trip in a day-by-day nutshell.

Thursday: The lovely Tracy drove  me to the airport at an obscenely early hour. You know, before you hit the high point (Hawaii with your best friends) you have to hit the lowest of lows, which for me was eating a breakfast burger--glorified MacDonald's that was horrible and cost $8--on the floor of the Phoenix airport after waking up at 5 a.m. I was also really paranoid, which is unusual, since I'm usually a calm traveler who loves flying. But the beautiful ocean views were enough to make up for it, let alone the fun times with Lisa and Kate after my 6 hour flight, 2 hour wait, and then 3 hour bus ride to Hilo from Kona. We hugged each other, ate lots of good Mexican food, and talked a lot.

This is how Hawaii welcomed me--a rainbow

Friday: I woke up to the most beautiful view ever. Moral of the story: it is always worth it to pay the extra $10 a night for the ocean view. Lisa, Kate and I chilled out on the rocks, saw crabs, did mermaid poses, etc. and then went on a nice scenic drive. Kate bought a coconut from a guy on the side of the road and he chopped it open with a machete right there and we drank it with straws. We drove through a beautiful cemetery and then went out to help get the wedding site ready for the next day. Later on, we picked up Michele from the airport and the 4 of us had an evening of Bachelorette Thai food, milkshakes, and conversation with the lovely bride.

The view from our hotel balcony in Hilo

Kate and Lisa drinking from the recently-opened coconut

Lisa and me in HAWAII

REUNITED (and it feels so good)

Saturday: The Wedding! Jen and Will both looked soooooo good. So good. The Bishop who married them was fabulous, the food tasty, and love strong. It was just a small, simple outdoor ceremony and it was perfect. And it didn't rain until 2:30--half an hour after the wedding ended. Luckily. I'm pretty sure it has not stopped raining in Hilo since. And by raining, I mean dumping buckets of water everywhere. Before the rain started though, we managed to make it to the farmer's market. The wedding was draining though, so after that we went back to the hotel and took naps and then introduced Kate to the magic that is Pitch Perfect. We have been quoting it and singing its music ever since.

The reason for the trip!

Kate and Lisa did my hair

 

Oh how I love this girl

Me and the Kate and a leaf

Sunday: It rained and rained alllllll day. We went to sacrament meeting, and then watched the World Cup game. Still raining, we decided to go get some food and try our luck at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park anyway. In short, I can now say that I have hiked along the rim of the caldera of an active volcano in a tropical storm. Lisa and I also decided that Hawaii is exactly what Idaho would look like if it were in the middle of the ocean. Think about it. We were very wet and by this time the day was just about over, so we headed home. Lisa and I went to dinner at the local pancake house and had such wonderful conversation. When we came out there were quite literally 3 new inches of rain on the ground. That had fallen in an hour or less. I think I have seen more rain in the past 48 hours than I have in the past year living in Utah.

(I don't have any pictures from this day because it was hard to see and I haven't gotten pictures from Lisa and Michele yet)

Monday: We once again ate at Ken's House of Pancakes and then checked out of our hotel in Hilo. It was still raining, but luckily it didn't completely follow us. Our road trip finished my circumventing the entire Big Island, as we ended up in Kona for the next few days. Stops along the way included a black sand beach (where we saw sea turtles playing in the water, although they were shy), the southern-most point in the United States, a pizza place (where we read everyone's not-so-accurate but hilarious astrology information), and a beach where we finally got to play in the ocean. We checked into our condo here in Kona, which is quite lovely (and has internet, hence the blog post) and ended our time with Lisa with a nice sunset swim. Then we took Lis to the airport, with the windows down and blasting great songs.

The black sand beach

The ocean!

Southern most point in the U.S. Those waves were huge.

Basically, this trip is wonderful. Being with my ladies is so rejuvenating for the soul (although they're not all here), and Hawaii is a beautiful place. 

Not the Time: An Introduction to My Thoughts on Mormon Feminism

As the title of this post says, tonight is not the time for this blog--a blog about many of my views on feminism in relation to Mormon doctrine and culture--to be written.

And so I'm not going to write it.

Instead, I am just going to say that I should know better than to expect full, Christian love from the imperfect people around me. Especially because I am not perfect. But honestly, I am tired of feeling my heart torn in two by members of the Church who condemn one another. I am not trying to condemn those who are doing much of the condemning, because I have been one of them before, I see their viewpoint. And I am so imperfect myself. But oh, how I wish they could see the pain they are causing so many people through their words and interpretation of doctrine. I wish we all (including myself) could understand the Atonement better in order to realize that Christ came to heal the sick. Which is me, and you, and those who ask questions, and those who are still afraid to ask.

Please remember that those who ask questions about difficult issues are most likely (meaning, almost definitely) not trying to rebel against God. They're just trying to reach out to Christ to find the healing they need. And these people include your family members, your neighbors, an old investigator from your mission, and that random guy walking down the street. It includes me. And it probably even includes you, in one way or another.

Yes, I am a feminist, even if I am often hesitant in publicly proclaiming it.

Yes, I support my church leaders and am grateful for them, their revelation, and their counsel.

Yes, I am a Mormon. More importantly, I'm striving to be a true disciple of Christ. A Christian.

Yes, those all can go hand-in-hand.

I will probably write a longer, more specific blog about some questions and thoughts I have on gender-equality/feminism in the Church later, on a day when it is less of an emotional question for me, and when it's not after midnight. But for now, these are the thoughts of my heart: striving towards the love of Christ. If you have any questions about where I stand as a feminist (especially in the Church), please email me. We'll chat. Until then.

Updates

Here is some news that I'm not going to try to make well-written and just say, because I want to post on my blog but I don't really have anything to say. 

Basically, I start my full-time job tomorrow. I have mixed feelings, but I am mostly excited to 1) make money and 2) have a more regular schedule in my life. In my free time I have read a lot of good books--most notably Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. I have eaten a lot of good food--like tacos at Tortilla Bar and Chicken Avocado salad from Pinterest. But the days full of lounging around are done. And I'm okay with that (for the most part) now.

In other news, there isn't really any other news. I still don't know what is going on in my life after April, but now that I have a real job I am not freaking out so much about that. But nothing new is going on. That's it. Over and out.

Recreating

As lazy as I feel some days, all this down time is helping me become reacquainted with myself. Now that I have time to explore my life and the world around me in a normal setting, really since I've been home from my mission. This summer was a little bit of a break, and a good start to that but everything got swallowed up in the utter academic chaos that was my life this past semester. But here are some things that I have (re)learned about myself in the past few weeks:

• I need people and am an introverted extrovert. I'm an extrovert in the sense that I love people and spending time with them and I draw energy off them and I really do need those with whom I have close relationships. But I'm a horrible extrovert because I am really bad at meeting new people and being myself around people I've just met, especially if I'm not with someone I already know very well. I hate situations where I'm meeting new people. There are times when I need to be alone. But I give everything I have to the relationships that I have and once I get past my awkward meeting people stage (or if I meet you with others that I already know), we're friends forever. Loving people is one of my gifts. And I need that in return from people. When I'm having a hard time, I need someone there. Luckily, I have so many of "my people."
• I need words and music. Books and writing and singing and playing piano breathe soul into my life.
• I am more marketable than I think. I just need to find the right place. But God might not tell me for a while, which means I might not be exactly where I wanted to be or what I had planned to be doing for a while (right now that basically means in a big city/not in Utah). But that is okay, because I will make choices and work towards things and being better.
• I don't have to have a job or be doing something big and grandiose in order to be successful. After some lovely words from a roommate and reading this marvelous talk I realized that I have the talents and skills to bless people by just being me and loving them and working towards becoming who God wants me to be--in a completely spiritual sense. And right now I have the time to do that fully without any distractions of overworking at a job or school.
• Sometimes I am sad, and that is okay. Sometime I am giddy, and that is okay too. Emotions are human and I shouldn't feel ashamed about them. It is okay to cry and to share my feelings with others, even/especially negative ones. I have always felt like I needed to be "strong" for other people--to hold in my tears until I'm by myself so as to not burden them with my emotions, so that I am not a wreck so that I can help them. So to not break their view of me as this happy person. But GUYS GUESS WHAT. Everyone has moments of sorrow and grief and anger and frustration and HUMANITY and that is not only okay, but it is necessary and I am not helping anyone or myself by being "strong" and keeping all that to myself. We are not weak when we show emotion. I have come to realize that it is a very courageous thing to do--to open your soul up like that to the world and accept everything that comes. Admitting you need help or a shoulder to cry on is strength. True strength is not being a rock, but being humble and resilient.

I guess this is all just more continuation of the Void. It's been getting to me the past few days, but good things happened yesterday (as in, I have another interview and also a JOB OFFER--but I am waiting to accept until I see how this other job pans out) and I woke up today with renewed conviction that 1) I will live my life however I want, 2) God will guide me and bless me, even if that includes being stuck in the wilderness for a few years first, and 3) . . . well, I actually forgot what this one is, but know that it had to do with me being AWESOME. haha.

And sorry for the HORRENDOUSLY LONG post. It's impossible for me to keep things short.