Friday, September 21, 2012

Confession and a List

       I feel bad that I haven't been blogging more. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should. Especially since I haven't journaled at all since like my 3rd day home. Oops. It's just hard when you don't have that rigid, rigid schedule and that set, set time. But it's almost like I don't want to. On the days when I have things in myself (good or bad) that I need to confront, I find myself just drowning out that nudge with . . . well, honestly, things that aren't super time worthy. On my mission, all I had was the important things. It was easy. I had to go straight to the source: to my friends, to myself (through writing and study and introspection), and to God. And that was it. And now, even though I know that that is what is important and helpful, it's hard to confront yourself and talk it all out through whatever medium when you have all these other distractions. It's ironic that we just finished reading Gogol's Dead Souls in my Russian Lit class because we talked about how souls die when they get sucked up into all the banality in the world, and frankly, even though I know what's happening to me and what is truly important, I find myself doing the things that I know that in the long run I don't want to do, and that I told myself at the end of my mission when I knew I would be coming home to face this EXACT SAME THING that I wouldn't do. I knew that this would be my struggle. And I knew that I didn't want to do it, that I wanted to be strong and resist. And yet, here I am.

Okay, sorry. Every time I've come to write on my blog in the past month, what I have meant to post ends up coming out completely different. Like the confession was originally only going to be that I felt bad about not blogging. But maybe it's a good thing. It's part of the self-exploring things. But sorry, that means it's been more introspective and personal. But maybe you like that stuff and I shouldn't be apologizing. I'm not really sure who all reads my blog anymore anywho. A lot of people are super busy. I don't read blogs or blog as much as I used to. Interesting all these interesting technology fads, how they get big and then just slowly kind of die away. Or maybe I'm just making things up. Anyway. Here are some things that I'm really excited about right now. This is the list part.


  • Poetry! I'm reading a book of poetry by Lance Larsen for my LDS Lit class, and it is awesome. I want to be able to write good poetry.
  • Avengers with Katelyn tonight
  • My goals that I hope will finally become a reality this next week
  • $48 aerobics wristband working-outings with Krisitin
  • Sleep
  • Going back to Moscow on an internship next summer? Maybe?
  • Figuring out what to do with my life
  • Rediscovering what I love
  • Bones
  • People people people people people. SO many people whom I love.
  • FINALLY getting moved into my room. Not just unpacked, but organized.
  • Living in a house.
  • Closing the desk in 5 minutes to go home and for it to be the real weekend.

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