And So It Begins: Girl on Fire

Back in September when I somehow (read: God) got a perfect score on the verbal section of the GRE, I managed to hold back my tears of gratitude, overwhelming joy, and surprise until I got to my car. When I finally shut the door and turned the car on, rain started pouring down, and this song started playing on the radio.

Since then, "Girl on Fire" has been my unofficial theme song as I've fought my way through a few really wonderful, but surprisingly difficult months. And I'd especially think of it when I was struggling or discouraged with grad school applications, as a reminder that I could and would do it and rock it and that my future was in my hands and God's hands and that it would all work out. Because I have flame in my eyes and in my heart, and I'm going to light up the world.

So anyway. Since I finished my grad school applications a few days ago, I've been going stir crazy. Since my part is completely done, I just want to KNOW. I want my acceptances or rejections so that I can have another part in deciding my future again. This means that I have been checking my school email compulsively while at work (oh yeah, I got a real job. I will write about it soon). Constantly. But a few minutes after I got home, I opened my email, not expecting anything, and saw an email from one of my schools: "Brandeis Joint MA."

My heart stopped. Opening that email was almost like opening my mission call, suspense and excitement and terror. Except I didn't have any warning or time to prepare like I did with my mission call. And when I opened it, I read these words:

"Dear Rachel Ashby:

I'm delighted to tell you that the faculty committee in English and Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at Brandeis will be recommending to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences that you be admitted to our Joint M.A. Program. We were highly impressed with your application, and we think that your interests would be an excellent fit with our vibrant community of graduate students and faculty. "

I. AM. IN.

I don't know if I'll end up at Brandeis. My hope is to get into more schools and have options. But even if this is the only school I get accepted to, I'd be THRILLED to go to Boston and be a part of this program. I am so grateful for God's help and for the loving support of so many people who have gotten me here. I have just been in shock all night that this is really happening.

I'm going to grad school, guys. This girl is on fire. 

The Tinder Chronicles, Part 2

So my tindering has majorly slowed in the past week. After Thursday, my swiping started to get very sporadic. I'd often get bored and fall into long streams of only swiping left. The danger with that is that sometimes you swipe left on cute boys that you actually wanted to swipe right on--especially the ones that you actually met at a party and talked to and that have a lot of mutual friends and you've heard a lot about. But it is really fun(ny) running into a lot of friends there.

So essentially, I am probably going to keep Tinder, but I will swipe a lot less often. Especially since people actually chat and follow through a lot less often than I originally imagined (pretty much like normal life, right?). What is the point of swiping right in the first place if you're not going to even try to connect with the person? I mean, I know why, but that is one thing that bothers me about Tinder.

This stems from the fact that I'm an ENFJ. (I will probably write another blog post on this later). I need sincerity in my life. And so while the matches and casual flirting are nice confidence boosters, it all just feels really fake to me. Especially since I can see that it has a lot of potential to not be fake. It's like doubly fake since it could actually be really good but that isn't utilized most of the time.

In short, here is my Tinder verdict: I'll keep it, but it's definitely a joke or a game to play when I'm bored (literally). I am not emotionally invested at all, which is a big deal for me, simply because it seems so pointless.

The Tinder Chronicles, Part 1

I know, I know. Tinder is old news. I'm slow to the boat, mostly because I made fun of the app and never saw myself getting it. But Tuesday night I came home and found my best friend/roommate had gotten Tinder. Watching (read: helping) her swipe was addicting, so I decided to get it for myself. These are the results.

Oh Vova...you definitely go to the left. Via Huffpost UK

Tuesday: I spend the rest of the night swiping, ending up with four matches and a conversation, partially in Russian. I am excited when a friend--who I know is/was Tinder-obsessed--pops up. Of course, I swipe right while laughing hysterically. I am mostly in shock that I caved and got Tinder (I had always said I would never get it), but to my surprise I'm having fun.

Wednesday: I am officially addicted. I refrain from swiping most of the day, but it's hard and distracting. I learn an important lesson: if you want matches, you need to swipe right. But I am very selective with my right swipes. I get some more matches, have another conversation with a guy, and start to learn some things, including:

• I apparently find beards a lot more attractive than I originally thought.
• I am much more picky than I originally thought, too.
• Based on my matches and my recent actual interests, there is a 4-letter combination/name that is apparently attractive to me/finds me attractive.
• It is really satisfying to get a match. Surprisingly so.
• I get really frustrated when people don't have anything in their profiles.
• Tinder could/would be really useful in trying to get over other people.
• People aren't really as chatty as I would have thought.
• Beyonce-style: To the left, to the left. Everybody here in the box to the left.
• I'm really bad at small talk and coming up with conversation starters (but I really already knew this one).

Wednesday's Tinder adventures also featured my roommate and I swiping and/or matching with the same guys, old flames, and Elders from my mission (of various levels of acquaintance).

Thursday: I wake up to a notification that I have a match. I feel like I could be genuinely interested in this guy (you know, based on the small amount of information in his profile), but I have no idea what to say to him. Because I'm awkward like that. 

I decide to swipe a little bit before working. One of the first guys who pops up in CUTE. I can tell from his picture that he's LDS, but he has absolutely nothing in his profile, and we have no mutual friends. I decide to swipe right, and it's an immediate match.

(Side note: I am a researcher. So if you pop up on my Tinder and I can't tell anything about you, I am going to actually try to find out what I can. If there's absolutely no information to be had, the default is left. So the above right swipe was kind of a rarity. I know that's not how most people use Tinder. But it's what I do. I'm weird.)

Here's where things get interesting. He starts the conversation out with a...well, it isn't how I'd prefer to have someone I don't know start a conversation, but it was flattering. My feminist side was not sure how to feel, because while it was borderline cat-call-y, I also didn't feel degraded or objectified. However, my suspicions are soon confirmed: he's looking for a hookup. (This is why I'm very selective with my right swipes) But he offers very respectfully (!) and respects my choice not to (!). We end up talking a little about Nietzsche and writing. I decide to take a break from swiping at least until later tonight.

I'll Always Be Сестра Ашби

Yesterday marks 4 years since I entered the MTC to begin my full-time mission in Moscow, Russia for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The first okrug

It's funny to see how the passing of time changes my perspective. As I marked the day, I realized that while I still missed my mission so much and while I will always treasure that time of my life, I didn't necessarily want to go back. I realized that I am where I need to be and that I am on the precipice of many more great and wonderful things in my life. But despite that knowledge, I am always, continually thinking about and reflecting on my mission.

Sometimes, I think back on my mission, and I guiltily think about all the things I could have done better and all my many imperfections as a missionary. I should have talked to more people. I should have been more diligent in helping other missionaries be obedient. I should have had more courage I should have set a better example. I should have been more obedient myself (not that I was disobedient, but if you've been on a mission you know what I mean). I should have had more faith. I should have been a better missionary in so many ways. Often, I wonder if I had been a better missionary if I would have seen more visible success.

But then I think about Ksusha, and my companions, and the Elders I served with, and all my areas, and all the people that I still (and always will) love with my entire heart, and the miracles I did see, and the fun times, and the times that were so hard but I treasure them with all my heart. I think about putting my nametag on and passing out Kniga after Kniga after Kniga and really connecting with people individually. I think about bearing my testimony time and time again. I think of my heart breaking and the times I cried on the street because someone rejected the message. I think of the joy I felt seeing people I didn't even know (and especially those I did!) enter the waters of baptism and receive the Holy Ghost and just progress in the Gospel--even if it didn't lead to baptism right then. And mostly, I think of the changes for the better and the blessings I am still experiencing in my life as a result of those wonderful 19 months. I left my mission knowing that no matter how much I touched people's lives there, my mission was a success because I let the Lord and the people of Russia touch my life and my heart.

I love this book and this place and this language and all the people I gave one of these to

So, yes, I should have been a better missionary. There were days when I probably COULD have been a better missionary. But when I came home and was being released, I had a very sacred moment with my stake president. Because of its personal sacredness to me, I won't share the experience itself, but this was the resulting revelation:

No matter how "perfect" of a missionary I was, God knew that my heart was always fully committed to my mission and trying to do my best to serve him. And He accepted and loved my offering, my mission, and me. 

Even with the mornings I physically could not get up and then freaked out when I realized I had slept in, even with all the people I was too shy and scared to talk to, even with all my imperfections--He accepted what I could and did bring and sanctified it and somehow turned it into something worthwhile that I hope touched others even half as much as it touched me.

I will always miss this.

2014 in Review

When I first thought about this year, it seemed like not much has happened. There hasn't necessarily been a defining moment, like a mission call, coming home, going back to Moscow, or graduating. But it's been an important year--a year full of steps and building blocks and slow discoveries.

January--Spent some time being unemployed. Tracy and I founded the Cult of Learning. It was a month full of self-rediscovery, people I love, and job searching.

February--Started a new job at Boostability as a writer and editor. It was a month of love and friendship and joy, especially with the trip to Spokane for Sarah and Jake's wedding. It was literally the best weekend full of wonderful moments with my favorite people.

March--Jessie's and my room flooded and got moldy, requiring us to move into Tracy's room for a few weeks while it was being repaired. It was a month of Atlantis and Journey to the Center of the Earth and late night chats and cuddling.

April--Walked in graduation (even though I graduated in December), changed my hair up with bangs and highlights, and packed up and moved from my beloved Lookout House down the street into Arch House. It was a month of change and new beginnings.

May--Traveled to Illinois (Chicago and Nauvoo) to see one of my best friends get married, and then sent my sister off to the same place. It was a month of good friend times.

June--Got a new computer, made new friends, and had a blast. It was a month of just living life.

July--Went to Hawaii for a week with my best friends to see another one of them get married. It was a month full of adventure and love and some of my favorite summer memories (both in Hawaii and at home) with some confusing emotions thrown in there too.

August--After I turned 25, I decided I needed a drastic change in my life to end my quarter-life crisis (#QuarterQuell), so I quit my job and moved to Salt Lake. It was another month of new beginnings.

September--Officially started looking into grad schools. Took the GRE, made some big life decisions, and loved being "funemployed" again. It was a month of taking steps and non-traditional productivity.

October--Attended my 4th (and last) wedding of the year. Two of my favorite people married each other and all of my other favorite people either flew in for the wedding or just magically happened to be in town. It was a month of being reunited with old friends.

November--Overhauled a paper for my writing sample and stressed out about money. It was a month of being grateful for the every day things in my life.

December--Turned in my first grad school applications. I also became an aunt to a beautiful roommate goddaughter. It was a month of reflection and processing a lot of the important things that happened this year.

TL;DR--It was a year full of weddings and lovely people and adventures. It was a year of deciding what I do and do not want to do with my life. It was a continual process of new beginnings. 

Often, I when I reminisce I get sad at the times gone by, the good years that will never come again. But honestly, this year is different. Don't get me wrong; there has been so much good that has come from it. I made so many new friends, got to see the old ones quite a bit, and there were so many adventures (big and little) that I will treasure forever. But mostly, it's been a year of slow and steady progression on so many different planes (academic/professional, personal, romantic, etc). It's been really hard in a lot of ways, and really rewarding in others. Mostly, I just have a feeling that this gap year is a huge stepping stone for the great things that are to come in my life.

That makes 2015 so daunting but so exciting. But I'm ready for it.

The Grad School Journey

A long, long time ago, back before my mission (which feels like a galaxy far, far away), I had aspirations to go on to grad school. I'm not sure why. It just seemed like something I would do. That kind of got lost in my post-mission identity crisis, but it was still always in the back of my mind. When I graduated a year ago, I wanted to eventually explore my options down the grad school path, but it got pushed to the side in the hustle and bustle of finding a job and then working full time--not to mention the fact that I was burned out from school.

When I walked at graduation in April, I knew. I was sitting in the Marriott Center at the Humanities Convocation, and I was reflecting on my undergraduate experience and I just knew that I needed to go back to school. Which was terrifying because 1) the possibility of rejection and 2) I still didn't know what I wanted to do as far as a career. I couldn't just spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to get another piece of paper and still be in my same situation in a year or two. But I missed school, I wanted to go back, and I really started feeling like I needed to make it happen eventually. 

The following Sunday, I was reading my patriarchal blessing during Church. There's a lot in it about my education, but one sentence has always . . . I don't want to say "bothered" me, because family is important and my highest aspiration in life is to eventually be a mother, but it always kind of made me wonder about whether or not I'd actually go on to grad school. It basically tells me to always remember that the most important thing will be to teach my family correct principles, and I used to think that meant sacrificing personal goals like school or a career for my family. But as I was reading it that Sunday, it changed. It became the catalyst for me to go to school. It doesn't matter if grad school will or will not lead me into a good career (although that is definitely a BIG hope). What matters is that I love to learn, and this degree will make me a better person, and it will help prepare me to teach my friends and family about the Gospel and life. And so even though I still wasn't sure that it was right, I had confidence that it was. I felt like I could justify a decision a leap in the dark going to school without a definite path, because God had told me it would be beneficial. 

Well, long story short: work happened and summer adventures happened and I got bogged down by a lot of things and grad school plans got pushed to the side until August when I got fed up with my life. I was moving to Salt Lake, hated my job, and couldn't find another one, so I took it as a sign that I just wasn't supposed to work right now. I took the plunge, quit my job, and decided to focus solely on grad school.

I've since had a blessing where God told me that this is the right thing. He wants it to happen, and it's part of his plan for me. I have often returned to my patriarchal blessing, because all throughout are promises about my education and my future. I felt a lot of guidance in deciding which schools to apply to. I had a lot of divine help when I took the GRE, as manfiest by a perfect score on the verbal and writing. I have had a lot of professional help on my application from friends and professors. And I even have had a lot of emotional help from the Lord because I have only really freaked out about this whole thing once, which is a big deal. 

I submitted application 2 of 8 today, which is what inspired this post. There are still a lot of fears and worries. But honestly--it's okay. I know that this is right. I don't feel a pressing need to know where I'll be in 8-9 months, because I know I'll be where I'm supposed to be. I'm still far from done with this journey, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm actually on a path that leads somewhere.

Reflections on Some Goals

December 1 might be too early for a "reflection on the year" post. And there is a good chance that I will learn a lot in the next month of my life. However, with the holiday season starting with this past week, I have thought a lot about this past year. The last time I was home for longer than just a day or two was last Christmas and New Year's. I had just graduated, I was feeling very lost in my life, and I remember sitting on what has become my bed in the guest room thinking about life and what I wanted my goals for 2014 to be. I started making the traditional list:

• Spiritual things like scripture study, prayer, temple, etc (Obviously not perfect, but much improved in many ways)
• Working out 3xWeek (Nothing until September, but it's been pretty good since then)
• Become a morning person (hahahaha)
• Travel someplace new (check, check, check)

Quite surprisingly, actually, I have realized all my goals about trying to find my way in life. I found a job, took (and rocked) the GRE, and looked into grad schools. I may not have decided what to do beyond the next year or two, but I did decide that, and grad school will be a huge step in fully making that long-term life goal come true. 

However, despite all these wonderful, wonderful things that have happened--and trust me, I don't want to downplay any of the above paragraph, because those are literal miracles that have happened in my life--there were some large goals that are very close to my heart that haven't come any closer. These goals have always been there, but I felt very strongly that this year was the time to really work on them, and that came directly from God. And there have been things that have happened this year in relation to those goals. But they are still so far and out of reach. 

I had a blessing this summer where God told me that many "drastic" changes that will majorly change my life were coming up. 2 months later, I was quitting my office job, moving to Salt Lake, and starting to really get the grad school ball on the road. Later, I had another blessing which let me know that this grad school path is not just right, but an integral part of God's plan for me. And I am so grateful for all those things, because I am excited for grad school and I have learned a lot and I feel so much more at peace about my future than I did a year ago. Drastic changes, indeed.

And yet, the first blessing was originally in response to my fears and worries about the goals that still haven't happened yet, and I have to wonder: when will those drastic changes happen? When will I get those answers? Yes, I have faith in the Lord's timing. Yes, I have learned a lot about myself in relation to these goals. But sometimes I feel like I'm back on my mission: I have all these righteous goals but have seen almost no success in them, even though I prayed about them, set them in faith, was doing all I could, etc. And then, God gives me something little, a good contact or a small miracle or a member-present lesson and I think "THIS. This is it." And then after I'm excited and faithful and hopeful, everything just falls apart. That was more or less my entire mission. Do I not have enough faith? What am I doing wrong? What do you do when God tells you to work hard and prepare for one thing and so you do and then you end up taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back? In some ways it is even more crushing to have a glimpse of that bigger vision and not see it realized then to see absolutely no success at all.

I really don't mean for this to be depressing. I am try to be (and generally succeeding at being) hopeful and focus on how much I have grown and progressed and the answers that I have received, because I am so grateful for those. I just thought about my goals for this year, almost bittersweetly, as I sat on that same bed again this week. I really don't know what's going to happen and where I'll end up and when these answers I want will actually come. But they will. 

And now I don't know how to end this post and I need to go work on finishing up a lot of things.