Thursday, January 6, 2011



Isn't it funny how you never realize how expensive all the basic living stuff is until you buy it all at once? Hair ties and bobby pins and socks and nylons and toothpaste and deodorant . . . those things add up. I would know. I couldn't tell you how many times I've gone out to run errands in the past week because I keep remembering things.

And it's funny to pack away your life into boxes for a mission. It's different than going to college, because in that situation you just unpack it again in a few days, or you go home to it in a few weeks or months. But in the past few days, I've packed away almost my entire wardrobe, and everything that defines who I am right now. My jeans, my books, my favorite shirts (okay, I actually left two them out to wear the next two days), my pictures and coats and shoes and blankets and memories. All of it sits in 4 rubbermaid tubs in the hallway, or in a pile that still needs a tub, or in boxes in my Grandma's basement in Orem, and I won't see it again for 18 months.

Essentially, I've spent the past week freaking out about how I go into the MTC . . .
Um. Yep.

This week has actually been pretty emotionally stable, surprisingly. I miss my roommates, but really, it doesn't feel like they're all off having fun without me because I'm still at home--it still feels like break to me. I miss Spencer, but we've been talking at night. And quite frankly, my emotional ("I'm leaving everyone and they're going to forget about me and replace me!") slash spiritual ("I'm not ready and I'll be a horrible missionary!") freakouts happened last week. This week, I've been worrying non-stop about the physical/material things, such as:
  • What if my suitcases are overweight?! (Last weighing: big one with most of my clothes was 35. I think I'll be fine, but I'm still spazzing)
  • What if my clothes are inappropriate or too freezing cold or too whatever-in-a-bad-way and I have all these clothes and none of them are right?
  • What if my companion thinks I'm a horrible person? What if it's a repeat experience from my sophomore year roommate situation?
  • What if I have missed something critical in my mission packet?
  • What if I get to the MTC and for one reason or another they tell me to go home before I even get started?
  • What if I accidentally bring something I'm not supposed to?
  • What if no one shows up to my farewell?
  • What if my farewell talk is really horrible?
  • Will I really need all this stuff? It's all so expensive! (and then five minutes later--I don't have enough!)
  • What if I can't get up in the mornings?
  • And so on . . . 
But besides my logistic worry-warting, and my occasional emotional explosions late at night where I become insane and no longer functional on a normal level of human reason, I am feeling pretty good about all this missionary business. I am almost done with the packing, with space and weight to spare. The goodbyes have been and will be hard, but right now I'm mostly looking forward to all the excited hellos from roommates and friends I haven't seen in a while this weekend and on Tuesday, and for all the new friendships and experiences I'll have on my mission. I've had a lot of help from the Lord in preparing, in leaving, in saying goodbye, and I am certainly hoping for even more as I am set apart as a missionary and enter the MTC. And I know that He'll give it, because He loves me and wouldn't just call me on a mission and then dump me without qualifying me for the work to which He has called me.

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