Monday, January 13, 2014

The Void

My friend Kate and I have this joke about "the void." I think every twentysomething is at least vaguely acquainted with it. In short, the void is about post-graduation uncertainty and not knowing what you should do. For my entire life, my parents and teachers and friends and leaders have been telling me that I can do whatever I want. And I know that I have the ability to. The problem isn't in that. It's in that I don't know what I want to do.

Up until a few months ago, I knew what was going on in my life--what I wanted, where I was going. And I did it. BYU, English, a mission, going back to Russia. But somewhere along the road, I realized that I actually didn't know what to do after graduation. Adding a Russian major and my internship helped postpone the need to decide, but buying time didn't help much. And graduation grew closer . . . and closer . . . and went right on by. And here I find myself just floating in the void.

Almost 7 years out of high school
A recent grad
Not a lot of work experience
Even less of a clue of what I want to do with life

But something Kate told me once about the void has stuck with me. Yes, the emptiness and uncertainty (especially since I've never really dealt with it before) is terrifying. But emptiness also means that there is something to fill with love and relationships and words and experiences and goodness and life and ME. So that's what I'm trying to do. I might not be able to see super far into the future--honestly, I can't see past the end of this week, for the most part. But I can work on filling today with worthwhile things; I can work on making me worthwhile. I mean, more worthwhile than I already am, because let's be honest, I'm pretty awesome. But in all seriousness, this is a time for me to not worry about the little day-to-day things, and to just focus on filling up the void with the things that I do know and love. It's kind of like I'm splatter painting in the dark, and I have no idea what I'm doing (because it's dark and I'm bad at making art) but someday the lights will come on and it will be a Jackson Pollock worth millions of dollars. Maybe. And that gives me faith in myself, in God, and even in the void. That it's a good thing and also not forever. And despite of the not knowing, or maybe even perhaps because of it, I feel like 2014 is going to be the best year yet.
Pollock's Full Fathom Five, MOMA (from here)

1 comment:

KTE said...

This is the best approach to the void. Good luck with it!