As lazy as I feel some days, all this down time is helping me become reacquainted with myself. Now that I have time to explore my life and the world around me in a normal setting, really since I've been home from my mission. This summer was a little bit of a break, and a good start to that but everything got swallowed up in the utter academic chaos that was my life this past semester. But here are some things that I have (re)learned about myself in the past few weeks:
- I need people and am an introverted extrovert. I'm an extrovert in the sense that I love people and spending time with them and I draw energy off them and I really do need those with whom I have close relationships. But I'm a horrible extrovert because I am really bad at meeting new people and being myself around people I've just met, especially if I'm not with someone I already know very well. I hate situations where I'm meeting new people. There are times when I need to be alone. But I give everything I have to the relationships that I have and once I get past my awkward meeting people stage (or if I meet you with others that I already know), we're friends forever. Loving people is one of my gifts. And I need that in return from people. When I'm having a hard time, I need someone there. Luckily, I have so many of "my people."
- I need words and music. Books and writing and singing and playing piano breathe soul into my life.
- I am more marketable than I think. I just need to find the right place. But God might not tell me for a while, which means I might not be exactly where I wanted to be or what I had planned to be doing for a while (right now that basically means in a big city/not in Utah). But that is okay, because I will make choices and work towards things and being better.
- I don't have to have a job or be doing something big and grandiose in order to be successful. After some lovely words from a roommate and reading this marvelous talk I realized that I have the talents and skills to bless people by just being me and loving them and working towards becoming who God wants me to be--in a completely spiritual sense. And right now I have the time to do that fully without any distractions of overworking at a job or school.
- Sometimes I am sad, and that is okay. Sometime I am giddy, and that is okay too. Emotions are human and I shouldn't feel ashamed about them. It is okay to cry and to share my feelings with others, even/especially negative ones. I have always felt like I needed to be "strong" for other people--to hold in my tears until I'm by myself so as to not burden them with my emotions, so that I am not a wreck so that I can help them. So to not break their view of me as this happy person. But GUYS GUESS WHAT. Everyone has moments of sorrow and grief and anger and frustration and HUMANITY and that is not only okay, but it is necessary and I am not helping anyone or myself by being "strong" and keeping all that to myself. We are not weak when we show emotion. I have come to realize that it is a very courageous thing to do--to open your soul up like that to the world and accept everything that comes. Admitting you need help or a shoulder to cry on is strength. True strength is not being a rock, but being humble and resilient.
I guess this is all just more continuation of the Void. It's been getting to me the past few days, but good things happened yesterday (as in, I have another interview and also a JOB OFFER--but I am waiting to accept until I see how this other job pans out) and I woke up today with renewed conviction that 1) I will live my life however I want, 2) God will guide me and bless me, even if that includes being stuck in the wilderness for a few years first, and 3) . . . well, I actually forgot what this one is, but know that it had to do with me being AWESOME. haha.
And sorry for the HORRENDOUSLY LONG post. It's impossible for me to keep things short.