Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Disillusioned

One night, in London (it all seems like a dream now), I stood in the National Theater, having just finished watching a performance of Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well. Now, if you know All's Well, you'll know that it's a problem play, and it leaves you feeling and thinking, "What the heck just happened?" And that is how this performance was. The supposedly-happy couple at the end--that you are really thinking, "Why does she even want him anymore?!"--is taking their wedding pictures. And in the last freeze-frame of the play, no one is really smiling. I smirked and matter-of-fact-ly stated, "Because there are no happy endings in real life." Katy and Bentley laughed at me, responding, "We didn't realize you were so disillusioned Rachel, but maybe there's something in your past we don't know about." I was quite serious. I do believe in happy endings, I really do, and I'm not sure how to explain the fact that I was serious about there being no happy endings when I really do believe in them, but I promise that it works out. I was serious more about the concept rather than reality. Anyway, I'm only confusing myself now.

But Katy and Bentley were right. They don't know part of my past that counts as a disillusionment period. In fact, for two people who spent every hour of 2 months with me and who had lots of talks with me, they hardly know anything about me and events in my life. Because I don't talk about them a lot. Maybe the only people (from the trip) who know about the two major events I'm thinking about are Christine, John Bennion, Anneliese...And then I think that I hardly know anything about lots of the people I was with too. And that scares me. Stupid fear of personal disclosure. Stupid wanting to know people and thinking you do until you realize that you don't. And then you realize that it really doesn't matter and you love them anyway and you do know them, even if you don't necessarily know the events that made them who they are.

Anyway. My past. Being disillusioned. There have definitely been times where I've felt disillusioned, like there are no happy endings. And yet, I'm happy, for the most part, now. Life goes on. Yet, looking forward to the future, the times where I will be completely happy in the places I have perhaps been disillusioned in seem so far away and almost impossible to reach. Although I'm happy now, it sometimes seems as if my time for a happy ending will never come. I believe once, in a journal-ish type writing thing I worded it like, I believe in happy endings, just not for me. Ugh. How gross is that? I'm lame.

Just so none of you worry, I am not currently feeling that way. It's only been a train of thought I've had tonight. The only disillusionment I'm feeling right now is the sad fact that my time in England had to end, that I couldn't stay there forever and that I'm now back to being stuck in Twin, working a job that I know I can do better than (but am afraid I'll be stuck in for the rest of my working life), and that the progression is stopped. I feel like I'm writing the personal essay of my life and now I have writer's block.

So, although I'm disillusioned by accepting the fact that I live on a blighted star rather than in a Utopia, I guess I'm not quite to Dystopia and ultra-Tess-blighted star yet. :)

3 comments:

Katy said...

I wish I DID know all the secret mysteries of your past life! Sorry we were flippant at you after the play! :( I sort of feel like I know what you mean though--for me it's like, there aren't happy endings because nothing ever really ends, so at times you can be happy and things can be great, but nothing is frozen in like a snapshot of perfection--life keeps going on and crap things always keep cropping up right along with the okay or awesome things, so it's all a mishmash of things not being as great as you thought or expected or hoped, and dealing with that. But I mean some things really are awesome and great and all--I mean, I am pretty sure that happiness happens and life is worth living! Just, you know. It is still life. And this is a really long comment. Shoot.

Megan said...

bwahahahaha!!!!

I wrote a very similar journal entry about lacking progression, and I was settling into the same type of mindset (happiness isn't for me, I'm never going to make it anywhere, I'm stuck in a rut, etc). Then I met Matthias! ;)

There are happy endings, and it's really nice once you get to a point where you can see a couple of them without feeling like you are making things up to be optimistic.

*hugs*

kyliemm said...

I think I love you. THIS IS ALL.

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