Thursday, February 12, 2009

Valentine's Day: When you're 19, Single, and at BYU...

Valentine's Day has never been my favorite holiday. In fact, quite the opposite. To me, February 14th is a commercialistic, puke fest. From junior high onward, it has been many things: a popularity contest, a day where any girl who is unattached is helped along to feeling insignificant and unloved--no matter how strongly she may believe otherwise, a day (or week) of excessive and disgusting PDA, a day that people seem to think can make up for their lack of love througout the rest of the week. On top of that, it's the middle of winter, and the coldest part of it as that. By the time Valentine's Day rolls around, I am so sick of the snow and the freeze-fest that I don't want to leave my bed, let alone my apartment. I could go on. And when you're 19, single, and at BYU, there is definately no escaping February 14.

Last year, my first year here at the Y, Valentine's Day wasn't so bad. Yes, I was trying to get over the heartbreak of a very cute boy. Yes, my roommate had started dating someone and although I was so so very happy for her, I will admit, I was slightly jealous. But to lighten the mood I counted couples on campus over the space of Feb. 13-15 with many of my friends and had a girl's night with my "cousin" and her best friend. After all, we were all single (or too wonderful to hate for being in a relationship when others weren't, haha) and freshman. Life was grand. Marriage was looming in no one's curent futures and we were, for the most part, content to just be living with our girl friends and having a blast. I may have been a bit bitter that I wasn't dating a certain boy at the time, but generally life was good.

This year, lots has changed. Many girls I know, not close friends, but who I knew fairly well who went to high school with me are married or engaged. The real kicker is that 3 good friends--one of them a best friend from high school, another one of my best friends ever who has been with me since 6th grade--have gotten engaged in the past 2 weeks. My cousin, the first one to get married, is actually getting married on Valentine's Day. I'm so excited for all of them--so giggly, happy, supportive excited. Yet I talk about wedding plans with them, look at wedding and engagement pictures, and I feel empty. Although a few days ago I was perfectly fine being single, now Valentine's Day has transformed me into something else. I was even thinking just last week that February 14th might not be so bad this year, because I'm perfectly content being single. But now I have an aching yearning to get married. Not just be in a relationship, but to get married. Which scares me, because I really don't want to get married right now, and I still have much to learn and work on before I do get married. I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself. Especially since last night I had the best dream. I was in a happy, healthy relationship with a boy whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and he was completely in love with me as well.

Someday it'll all happen. But when you're 19, Single, and at BYU, all your friends and family start getting engaged. And Valentine's Day is back to its depressing, Single Awareness-y self.

1 comment:

Megan said...

I was telling Matthias how much I've always hated Valentine's day, and I should have him read this to understand why it's so hard for girls! I'm still not a huge fan, even though I have a boy.

*hugs* You aren't alone! At least in Arizona you can celebrate the birthday of your state....You can celebrate it too if you want! Arizona is now 97 years old!