Postal Woes

(Look at him, all so nice and friendly. Deception. Actually, mailmen are nice. They must not know the evils they are a part of...)

Dear Mr. Postman (insert the Postman song here).

Now would be a good time to stop messing up my life by HATING ME AND BEING STUPID WITH MY MAIL! Just saying. Here are your offenses:

• Repeatedly delaying my mail. Don't even use the excuse that it takes a week for a letter to travel from Salt Lake to Provo. If sometimes I get a letter from Salt Lake in two days, then I expect it to always be around two days. And definitely not a week (which has happened on multiple occasions) because once, I got a letter from GERMANY in a week. Yeah, you know that country in EUROPE halfway across the world.
• Sending mail back to me, or the person who mailed it to me, and taking your time doing it. This last letter that I just got back? Took over a month. I sent it to Ohio. And it took over a month for it to get back to me. UNACCEPTABLE. I was getting frustrated because I hadn't heard back yet, and then I find out that he hasn't even gotten my letter. Really? Really...
• Sabotaging my mail. I know what regular wear-and-tear on an envelope looks like. I have a whole box of letters from throughout the years that have gotten to my place of residence perfectly fine and in one piece. But I have also had letters (all sent just in the States) that have had the side of the envelope split open, gaping holes in the front of the envelope, like someone ripped out something inside (and come to find out, there were things missing from the letter, things that I know have been through the mail system before and haven't been problems...now this makes it sound like it was something illegal. No worries, it was just a microtape). I've had letters that have been dyed pink and have had ruined pictures in them because they'd probably been dropped in a puddle.
  

So, please Mr. Postman, look and see, is there a letter in your bag for me? But seriously. STOP. I just want to get mail in a regular fashion without an exorbitant amount of difficulties like a normal person. Especially since I just ordered this dress (modcloth)

and would like it to come sooner rather than later, so that I can try it on, decide if I am as in love with it on as I am with it on the site, and then send it back if necessary. So PLEASE, if you could get it to me in one piece and quickly, that'd be awesome. Also, just send me letters and stop trying to destroy my friendships with multiple friends on missions, because that's not going to happen. Thank you.

UNITED STATES POSTAL SYSTEM:
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DEFEAT ME!

Sincerely,
Rachel